Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
