he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
