You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
