i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
