Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
