Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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