He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
