it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
