How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
