Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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