Kareoke will never be a sober sport
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
