i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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