Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
