i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
