Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I faked an abortion last night.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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