My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
