I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
