just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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