is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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