He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Can Purell be used as lube?
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
