you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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