the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
whose ass print is on the piano?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
