So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
