M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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