oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
