I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
