where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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