Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
