At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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