My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
