You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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