i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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