At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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