So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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