i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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