i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I love you.
Bad choice
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
