This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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