I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
