I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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