Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
