I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize