If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
