Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
