im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
