Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
