Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
