i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
