your thong is hanging out like whoa
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
