all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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