Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
