and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
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He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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