sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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