so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
