Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
