Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
