I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
this hospital has no fireball
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
